Saturday, December 5, 2009

Random wallowing

I had a fairly crappy week this week.

I have tons of friends but only about 2 that I can count on to check in with me on a regular basis. And that doesn't count my sister who I talk to once a week and my cousin who lives right down the road and I see at least once a month.

Most of these friends simply enjoy my sense of humor when we're together and probably rarely think of me outside of that. Almost none of them will go out of their way to call me or come visit. Lots don't even bother to return my calls anymore.

I've felt a lot of rejection lately, even though my logical side tells me that it isn't probably personal. I'm not good at pretending that it doesn't tear me up inside that people that I see on a daily basis, people that I'm related to by marriage, for instance, don't care to ask how things are going for me or how they can make things better. If I mention anything, I'm accused of trying to lay a guilt trip on them or attacking them, or manipulating. Then I feel even worse. So, trying to communicate isn't doing me any good. It' leaves me feeling even more worthless than before. So, I take my meds and go to bed hoping that I will wake up and it will all be okay again. When was the last time it was ok? I don't remember.

I'm looking forward to my mom coming to visit next week - it's nice to know that she wants to hang out with me once in a while. I've really been enjoying my daughter more and more every day. I don't want her to go to camp at the end of January and I think it's mostly for selfish reasons. I don't like to miss anything. I've never been away from here where we couldn't at least talk on the phone on a daily basis.

One of my biggest fears is ending up in a mental ward. This camp thing may drive me to it. Maybe if I'm heavily medicated, it will be all right. I doubt it. She is my comfort item. I'm pretty sure that's probably an unhealthy attachment, right? It's one of the few attachments I have, so I guess it's better than none at all isn't it??

I wasted a helluva lot of time waiting this week. That pisses me off. It's bad enough when I waste my own time playing on facebook or reading a book, but other people wasting my time is simply annoying.

At least I did my regular volunteering this week and felt I could be helpful and useful and make a difference in the world some small way. It keeps me going - that and my sweet girl. What am I going to do without her - incommunicado - for FIVE DAYS???

meds should be kicking in soon. At least I blogged.


Mrs. Chili said...

Hey! I've been WONDERING where you've been! WELCOME BACK!!

Lanie Painie said...

thanks Mrs. Chilli! Nice to be missed! I've been on facebook *rolleyes*

Mrs. Chili said...

I still haven't quite figured facebook out yet; I much prefer the blog...