Grief vs. Obsession

How do we know when grieving has gone too far and turned to obsession?

I am starting out my week realizing that it is the anniversary of the week my sweet nephew Sullivan stopped breathing and was rushed to the local hospital and then life-flighted to Toledo Children's. He was 5 weeks old. Obviously, I still remember that day, and I think of him off and on, but I try not to torture myself thinking about that or about the long time of suffering he had after that before he finally left us 22 months later. Thinking about it brings up so much anger and grief and frustration and the whole "it's not FAIR!" mentality that I have to consciously choose NOT to go there. I just quietly ache from time to time and then make myself move on.

I know that avoidance and denial aren't good things either, but life is for the living, is it not? I don't want to take away from others in my life by squandering time wallowing in grief over something that happened 9 years ago but am I grieving "enough"? I don't know who keeps score and knows when enough is enough. Part of me thinks, well I don't spend enough time remembering him, but at the same time, what good could that possibly do him now? Seriously, if he's in heaven, then it's paradise whether or not I think about him, is it not? How can what I do here on this lowly planet have any effect on what happens there? Not that I believe, but that's best-case-scenario.

I don't know what happens. I'm glad he's not suffering and trapped inside a body that his damaged brain cannot control. I'm glad we had those first smiles and connection just before his first emergency. I'm even glad he puked on me. He was a normal, healthy baby, for sure. It is sad that he was sick for so long, struggled so hard, and died so young, but what Greater Good is served if I wallow in it and dwell on every 1-week, 1-month, 1-life anniversary. It's hard not to do so.

End of babbling.

Random wallowing

I had a fairly crappy week this week.

I have tons of friends but only about 2 that I can count on to check in with me on a regular basis. And that doesn't count my sister who I talk to once a week and my cousin who lives right down the road and I see at least once a month.

Most of these friends simply enjoy my sense of humor when we're together and probably rarely think of me outside of that. Almost none of them will go out of their way to call me or come visit. Lots don't even bother to return my calls anymore.

I've felt a lot of rejection lately, even though my logical side tells me that it isn't probably personal. I'm not good at pretending that it doesn't tear me up inside that people that I see on a daily basis, people that I'm related to by marriage, for instance, don't care to ask how things are going for me or how they can make things better. If I mention anything, I'm accused of trying to lay a guilt trip on them or attacking them, or manipulating. Then I feel even worse. So, trying to communicate isn't doing me any good. It' leaves me feeling even more worthless than before. So, I take my meds and go to bed hoping that I will wake up and it will all be okay again. When was the last time it was ok? I don't remember.

I'm looking forward to my mom coming to visit next week - it's nice to know that she wants to hang out with me once in a while. I've really been enjoying my daughter more and more every day. I don't want her to go to camp at the end of January and I think it's mostly for selfish reasons. I don't like to miss anything. I've never been away from here where we couldn't at least talk on the phone on a daily basis.

One of my biggest fears is ending up in a mental ward. This camp thing may drive me to it. Maybe if I'm heavily medicated, it will be all right. I doubt it. She is my comfort item. I'm pretty sure that's probably an unhealthy attachment, right? It's one of the few attachments I have, so I guess it's better than none at all isn't it??

I wasted a helluva lot of time waiting this week. That pisses me off. It's bad enough when I waste my own time playing on facebook or reading a book, but other people wasting my time is simply annoying.

At least I did my regular volunteering this week and felt I could be helpful and useful and make a difference in the world some small way. It keeps me going - that and my sweet girl. What am I going to do without her - incommunicado - for FIVE DAYS???

meds should be kicking in soon. At least I blogged.

can ya dig it?

I have never before had a vegetable garden. We are working on starting one this year. So far it's been fun except for the digging and the centipedes. I hate things with more than 8 legs. That's just not necessary. Ick. Well, at least I'm not afraid of llamas. That would be lame.

Digging is hard work. Those of you who have seen me in person realize that I am not interested in physical labor of any kind. The promise of food keeps me going, but I doubt very much that we will have a brownie vine or a bacon tree in our garden.

What we are planting will be tomatoes, corn, onions, garlic, peppers, and maybe one or two other things. We pick up our plants from the fundraiser any time after MayDay. MayDay! MayDay! I've started a garden and I need help doing the actual work!

Extra rambly today but it's been a fun day with Pee Wee's bday party and seeing my old budy Foop, getting some digging done, dealing with dd's temper tantrum - lots of those lately - and even squeezed in a short nap between losing DS chess games (ok, one stalemate), plus I cooked dinner - from the freezer, of course.