It doesn't matter if I am star-bellied or no, I don't want to be a sneetch. That is, unless, there's a kind of sneetch that nobody has ever noticed before. That kind, I'll gladly be.
I say that, but then sometimes I *do* want to be noticed. At least, a little bit.
Why can't I be more consistent?
I thought I was pretty clear when I told the canvasser for our church stewardship committee that I didn't want my name on "the board." I don't want to be noticed for whether or not I give money or how much I give. I don't give to be recognized and I don't want it to be connected to how people think of me.
So there's a board with a list of family names. The names with a star in front of them have filled out this year's pledge form. So now I'm a star-bellied sneetch. And I don't want to be a sneetch at all. I don't like the idea of the board at all. It's like trying to shame people into doing their duty to the church. I don't think it's really creating the feeling of community they want to promote.
At the same time, I volunteer a LOT of my time to the church. Many times that time is flatly refused or rejected. I don't need to have credit for everything I do, but it's nice to be appreciated once in a while. I had been helping with a weekly publication and instead of discussing changes with me, they just reassigned things. When volunteers are given special recognition I've never asked for or received any. And when somebody does make a fuss over me, I get embarassed and don't know what to say anyway. But then a lot of days I think - what about me? Don't they appreciate me? Am I just in their way? Maybe I'm like the older lady who is blind that they'd find things for just to make her feel useful, or the mentally challenged gal that dusts the library books. And then I wonder why I bother. Especially when the powers that be seem so cold and unwilling to make connections. Is it because I don't do enough? Or that I'm in the way? Could that be valid, or is it just negative self-talk? I mean, I don't want to be so naive that I don't read the signals but at the same time, I really do think I'm competent to help out some - even if I do have limitations - who doesn't?
So I'm torn. I will probably just "let it go" and yet I'm always feeling like I need to stand up for the underdog. I don't donate a lot myself, but I pledge what I can with the little amount of discretionary spending that I have. And it's none of my business what or if anybody else pledges. So this is what is running through the insaney brainy tonight.